I’ve seen a lot of pain in my life. I guess it’s made me a pretty complicated person. I’ve lost love because of it. Now my heart is scarred and weary and I am here just waiting.
Where do I start…I guess a little bit of a background story is necessary. I am 23 years old with 24 approaching very quickly. The majority of my early 20’s and college career were spent in a relationship. I have never done the whole dating thing and the last time I was single, I was hooking up with boys. I guess it’s a good time to mention that I am gay before I get into the details. Anyway, if I rewind to the beginning of 2012, I was in a stable long-term relationship with a girl who I thought I would be with forever. And yeah I know, everyone thinks that when they are in a relationship but I truly thought this was the real deal. There were plans about moving in together and how we would spend the rest of our lives. I was feeling extremely satisfied and excited for my future. Then BAM out of nowhere my heart gets broken. You know, broken isn’t even a strong enough word. I’d say shattered, ripped into millions of pieces and stomped on repeatedly until there is absolutely nothing left but mutilated and lifeless myocardial tissue. Needless to say, I did not even know what to do with my life anymore. I didn’t know how to live. It took three days to stop taking sleeping pills and get out of bed. With the help of my good friend citalopram, I was able to press the play button on my life again but I didn’t know where to start. The majority of my friends and life had been very connected to my ex. I felt like I needed to start over and so I did. New friends, new scene, new life. Besides graduate school, my life has been consumed by a new world that I did not know even existed, the lesbian world. Lesbian bars, clubs, parties, brunches, vacations, friends, hookups, a lot of drama, and probably around 100 new Facebook friends. Everyone knows everyone, It’s like a big pool of incest where someone is hooking up with someone else who is another girl’s ex who is another girl’s best friend. It may be a bit complicated, but it definitely helped me move on with my life. Seven months later (I can’t believe it’s been that long), I am on the search for love again. However, something just isn’t right. I like to tell myself that I am over my ex and I am ready to meet someone new and fall in love all over again. Whenever an opportunity presents itself, and I meet a girl who seems great, I feel nothing, absolutely nothing. I guess my heart is still in its dead and deformed state. I don’t know. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person yet. I have experienced some random hookups and first dates here and there and I am going to keep trying. May during this purgative expression of my heart, soul and life, I will get to share the details of falling in love again. But that’s getting way too ahead of myself. Right now, I am trying to figure out who I am and what I want in life as a single lesbian in my 20’s. I won’t lie, I consider myself to be a somewhat unstable so be prepared.